Difficult Goodbyes

Tell us about your favorite pair of shoes, and where they’ve taken you.

Sadly, I have had more than my fair share of them. The last one in July 2022 could have swallowed me whole. But this is not the one I am writing about today…. and let’s just say. with me at the helm of operator owner of the “bird’s nest … things are a little bit more “controlled chaos!”

My dad was in my tiny person world in the grand scheme of things, my leading man Jack Nicholson, and I was his biggest fan. I use words to express outwardly the things written in my soul! I couldn’t say these things when I was a little girl, and I hope I represent my feelings and thoughts in a manner that does not hurt anyone. Reflecting on the person I want to be is still essential despite events and actions! I want to be a better human. I never told my dad how much I looked up to him. (PS here I am in that soft pink Shaun Cassidy sweatshirt and rocking the bird’s nest afro that my mother loved. Yes, that is actually what she called it! Breaking news for 2023 trendy haircuts the “birds nest” )

Soooo! My Dad! My dad left the earthly world on August 25, 2018. I will forever remember this painful day etched in my soul. It does not even seem profound enough an expression to say I love and miss my dad! I remember the day because I coordinated a meeting with the artist as part of the museum’s traveling exhibit, where I currently hang my professional hat. You might be asking, “what’s a traveling exhibit?” If you don’t know what this is, I hope when COVID has ceased rearing its ugly self to anyone and everyone, you will have the opportunity to uncover this rare treasure. If all of this COVID nonsense is over and we can still interact and be gentle with one another, we all gained a reminder of things we all need to continue to learn.
I remember the text from my Uncle asking me to call home. That was an odd experience. I remember being painfully aware that my stepmother was painfully serene. Now, I am not going to make excuses. I have NEVER been good at death. Should anyone truly get good at it? I remember talking to the stepmother, and she explained that Dad had been out pulling weeds on the embankment in the back of their house. What in the world had driven my dad, at 69 years young, to take himself outside to pull weeds? Pull weeds in what is probably the hottest part of the New England summer. I was angry with myself! I had been working while my dad was dying!
I remember the next few days, there were moments I went off by myself, and I would scream. Rage poured out of my soul! I had wasted so much time. I should have made it a point to go back and spend more time with my dad. I kept telling myself there would be so much more time for everything. I was waiting for a sign from my dad that he was ok in heaven. I didn’t feel like I got any big gestures, which made me even more upset. I got tiny signals. I would go into the museum and smell cigarette smoke. No one smokes in there, and I am not a smoker. My dad had quit smoking many years earlier, so who was letting me know they were ok. My dad may or may not have known that I love the smell of Marlboro cigarettes while I do not smoke. I also love the smell of wood burning in the fireplace or wood stove. There are so many things that I can credit to the world I love and cherish. I love the crackle of autumn leaves underfoot. Make your lists in your head, on paper but celebrate the things you love.
One morning we went out for breakfast. I heard a song playing in the background, Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine.” While this might not seem odd, it still made me tear up. We began talking about memories again, and the song slowly ended, and through laughter and tears, I slowly regained my composure. Suddenly I became aware the same song was playing again. I caught my breath, and in my consciousness and then verbally, I said can you guys hear the music. I still don’t know if my dad communicated to my grieving soul or if my Heavenly Father told me that my dad is ok.
My dad married the stepmother shortly after he had come into my life. The summer prior, he had been dating a beautiful woman named Geri, who had two boys and a lovely house; that summer, I cracked my collar bone riding my bike with flip flops on, and I will also tell you this allowed me to perfect one-armed cartwheel. I don’t know if Geri was lovely or not, but this is the memory I have.
My dad was engaged to the stepmother the following summer and married on August 16. I wore a beautiful yellow sundress. Did anyone ask me what color I wanted to wear? Note to anyone who cares, I wouldn’t say I like yellow, and with red hair, it’s not really on my color wheel. It was a lovely dress, just not my color!
The stepmother, I am sure, for her part, was overwhelming as hell having a child of her own already and two more children plopped in her lap! That was enough to derail the train. There were a lot of things that happened. I never forgave her for a lot of the things she did. After all, I was the child in the picture, and she was the adult. Many things were taken from me in those moments that she can never give back! I was angry about the countless things taken from me that were not hers to take! In those moments, I gave her my power; I was the child, after all! I was powerless to control any of her lies. I was powerless to control how people would interpret her words. The adult me is returning all my innocence, sparkle, and magic! So you take your words and actions, and I will own the TRUTH! We all must meet Jesus on our terms with everything, the good and the bad.
Note to anyone who cares that when you make a child feel less than worthy, they begin to own that interpretation you instill in them. My life goals were to empower people, use words to motivate and love people, and always share my sparkle and kindness. While I am confident, it was less than ideal to plop additional lives into the family that was now yours to own. You had two options, use gentleness and kindness or bitterly bear the cross. You can, I am confident, imagine the route the stepmother took.
The other thing is that COVID has forced us to develop many coping and survival techniques. We as a society have become good at distancing ourselves from people because our lives depend on it. We have been held hostage in our houses, watching the COVID nightmare unfold and then fold again in some sick, deranged origami experiment. Others were hell-bent on doing the exact opposite of the recommendations. Plot twist: did you know this writing prompt would go on some marathon trifecta of feelings? Me either! And PS, sorry folks, none of us, not a one, is getting out of here alive! Be a better human! #Sparkle #KindnessMatters