There are probably a million and one things that scare me. So the list could go on for literally days. I fear the day I walk in, and my mother has passed away. I am scared that the pain controls her life and has robbed her of her happiness! I fear that one day, I might have to call 911 for my son Zachary again and worry that they will arrive in time. I will worry that my precious Benny and JuJu Bean will be there when it happens, and the scars of what they witness will be immeasurable to describe or heal. I am scared every day, literally. I am afraid that one day I won’t be able to fight the pain of years where in one long-term relationship, the man slept around, did drugs, and called me a whore, fat, and ugly daily, was abusive in ways impossible to even begin to put into words, so the mirror is NOT my best friend.
It has taken years not to believe the words, and to be honest, every day, I avoid the mirror because of those words and the scars they left. In my second relationship, the man was a severe porn addict. Now let me tell you, they say it’s not a problem, but it is. There were so many years he preferred his porn. Let’s be perfectly honest; the man was not kind and liked his porn, stating the very obvious exceptionally lightly. He slept in another bed the entire time, making excuses. Let’s be perfectly honest here! He preferred porn and had no intention of being intimate with me, and his personal parts were mechanically unable to work unless it was PORN! I fucking hate PORN! The scars there are much more profound.
In both relationships, I was dutiful, kind, caring, considerate, and obedient, and I took care of everything. I worked all day, taking my adopted daughter to work with me. I took jobs where I was present for my children. I went nowhere without my children; this is how I want it. Cooked, cleaned, worked, and cared for the children!
What makes me nervous is that the monster always comes out! I am profoundly in love, but I wait. I am always giving, considerate, and kind; the world is only ready to gobble up loving, generous, and sensitive people! So note to air breathers consider this, love given freely is a gift, a choice. Don’t be an asshat and take this gift for granted.
Forest of Words 