More times than I can count
I try to rationalize in my head
Why, as I watch this woman who was only ever able to love herself with the exception of my favorite aunt who always put my mom high on a pedestal
No matter if Mom lied, no matter what she did, Auntie felt she was going to love her in spite of every hurt or lie she ever told
My mother will tell you herself she is absolutely perfect and she always has been
I was only the horrible child who called begging her to come home from the bar! I only wanted my mom to find a tiny space in her heart to love me, because I happened to love her completely
As I watch her body slowly falling apart because of the lifestyle choices she always chose
I am not saying it’s wrong or right the things she did because who am I or anyone to judge?
It is still horribly painful
Because her brain is tearing her to shreds
Tormented by thoughts that are or seem rational inside her head
She wanders the house at night, certain she hears people whispering outside her window, out on the road, or behind closed doors
She has hit me
She has pinched me
She has said some of the cruelest things
I cry and I pray to Allah these things she doesn’t mean
What is crueler, though
She won’t remember what she is doing to me
Or anyone
In her mind, she is the one tormented
The cruelest part of dementia, delirium, or Alzheimer’s disease is
Its are slowly, bit by bit
It takes all of her memories, today she remembers many years ago but can’t remember earlier today
She doesn’t remember any of the things she says or does
The shell of the person that no matter what she has done, anytime or anywhere
The woman is my mother , and I will be the person I am meant to be
Now full disclosure on this I believe my mom is in what is called AKD delirium it happens when the kidney disease is approaching renal failure. My mom also has a new pacemaker, AV Node Ablation, A-Fib, brachycardia, bradycardia, tachy-brach syndrome also known as Adam Stokes syndrome, heart failure, COPD, diabetes which I think she was diabetic her entire life but diagnosed as an adult. So everyday is an uphill battle!
#travel, #kindness, #gratitude, #chasingmysparkle, #loved, #Umair, #fyp, #marriedlife, #writer #lighttheworld
Forest of Words 