By far, the biggest challenge is using my voice. Letting my voice be HEARD. I allow people to push, pull, tug, and yank on me. I was always afraid to disappoint or make someone ashamed of me. I was constantly seeking approval; I never stepped out of line. I have let my own mother rule my life in fear of disappointment, disapproval, etc. Except I brought her into MY HOME. So, a few details! My mom was living in a hoarder’s nightmare. Her living conditions were disgusting; there was crap (shit, to the layman) up the walls in the bathroom she would not clean. She had not cleaned. There were mouse poop pack rats who had infested her home, and by infested, I mean filth. I spent a week cleaning from five am to ten pm each night. I would cry myself to sleep at night. To say it was disgusting is a gross injustice to the words. I had paid for my brother’s funeral. My baby brother’s mom was as horrible to him as she was to me. She is just really great at hiding her shitty. Mom told me about their fights because she said he was “lazy.” I wonder if those words were the last in his mind as he lay dying. Mom worked in the Nursing field and didn’t make sure his wound was clean on his back. She didn’t ensure he ate halfway decent or even took his diabetes medicine. So my baby brother is now in a box. My mom is great at abusing the system massively. She had an empty peanut butter jar she kept cash in at her home to hide from the Medicaid “system” because she couldn’t have assets. When she got sick in August, I canceled trips I was aching to take and planning, and she would say NO TRIPS.
I pay for her cell phone and have had it for over a year and a half. I bought the phone. So when she started saying crap like, “I’m a great actress.” She even went so far AS TO HIT MY SON, AND she WAS MAD because he wouldn’t lie and say she didn’t hit HIM. WAKE UP LADY. THERE IS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE IN ADDITION TO THE PEOPLE PHYSICALLY IN THE ROOM WITNESSING THE EVENT after falling over and over, pooping on my floor and pooping on my floor! Again, security camera footage. TO BE clear, MOM is on MEDICAID, and I pay for everything for her. She pays for her little piddly crap at Walmart.
At one point, I kind of just started grieving, like WTF. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ANY OF THIS? WHY DID I LAND THE LITERAL TOILET BOWL MOM OF THE CENTURY? LAST YEAR SHE TOLD ME I WAS THE PRODUCT OF RAPE AFTER HITTING MY CHILD AND CONVINCED MY AUNT TO LIE WITH HER ABOUT IT. And why lie about it? Oh, and by the way, that’s all I got for my birthday. Well, she had to fabricate a lie because SHE found out I knew, and I confronted MY MOM about walking in on a marriage, so she had to make her story SPECIALK FOLKS because she found out I have my half-sister in my Facebook. Oh, and get this, the dear, sweet aunt who has been covering for Mom’s lies her entire life; well, she made up her own version of I went to a Moon family wedding event. Guess what, folks? Another LIE.
None of the Moons know about me because you stupid fuckers, the only family I knew was the Fowle family, and you want to what take SOME MORE. Mom, you are mentally SICK. AND YOU KNOW WHY ONLY MY BROTHER GREG, SISTER JENNIFER, AND SISTER MISTIE KNOW I EXIST? BECAUSE YOU LYING FUCKERS WERE HELLBENT ON TAKING THE ONLY FAMILY I EVER KNEW BECAUSE OF MY MOM, THE SWINGER, you want to hear the names of the swinger couples! And DRUGGIE MOM. Party Mom! Let’s not forget the two best parts of the story, Mom. Your dear, sweet Aunt Adella, the one you love so much, all about you and your padded cell time and loony bin!
Remember when you started pretending like you were coming out of it and all of that, and you told me about your terminal illness that you’ve been diagnosed with? I asked you what terminal illness it was, but you didn’t have a response. Most terminal illnesses don’t result in recovery! I remember being sent to my grandfathers because you couldn’t handle anything. It was all about the party. Remember, how was the “bad kid” who called you while you were at the bar because I wanted you to come home while I was probably all of seven years old babysitting my brother? You wanted to play pool with the guys so when you won, you could get blowjobs! You talk about how it was Robert who wanted to be a swinger. Sorry, don’t put all that on him. It was you like you slept with his best friend, Bud! Was that dad’s fault, too?!? #growthefuckup #adultproperly#bloganuary #hearme #momsthatsuck
Forest of Words 