Let me answer this carefully! Life over the past year and a half has been a struggle! I have my fiancée approximately 8000ish miles away! I want to be with him every single day! Every fucking day! I am the sole caregiver for my mom, who, in August, added AFib to an already massive list of health issues! COPD, diabetes, acute kidney failure 3b, asthma. We now have a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist, nephrologist, and, coming soon the vein specialist! Fun times! That sounds like play, right, fuck no! I am grateful for every moment with my mom! I am not thankful for her treating me like I’m a teenager again, and let’s be honest! She traveled, and she partied! (These are mild; I felt I needed to be a better child to her than she was mother!) Every day is …. A challenge! She has become paranoid, and that’s so freaking weird! She can be hateful on the turn of a dime. I brought her into my home, and most days, I feel trapped. I am still grateful for every moment, but my heart still hurts. I miss Umair, and I can’t begin to describe how I need him so badly. Mostly to wrap his arms around me and tell me this is just a moment and it’s ok. He tells me all of this on the phone, but there is a longing I can’t begin to describe! Umair loves and accepts the challenges of my mother and my daughter as his, and let’s be honest, how many people would stick around if they knew the additional he is carrying into his life? And he loves me. He loves me!! So, back up just a little, I am also the caregiver for a disabled child I adopted, who is cognitively about five years old. I don’t even know what I did to deserve Umair’s love, but I’m grateful, so grateful. So, the days with her are a blessing too. She loves far more than I can begin to express. She is tormented by what her birth parents did, too, and if I described the horror, you would never sleep again. So I’m waiting for that lottery win; even though I barely take time to brush my hair, wash my face, or brush my teeth, every day is spent giving all the energy I have. And it’s a new year, I am grateful! Anyone see my glass slipper laying around? Or my fairy Godmother. So yes, I play! I have fun! I celebrate too! I’m grateful for the burdens and the blessings! Most of my play is around my writing which is such a profound joy for me!! #bloganuary
Forest of Words 