My favorite animal is naturally as you may have already guess ALL of them! I love them all, it would be easier to tell you which ones I don’t like. In advance sorry for the hate! Snakes are not my favorite! Spiders are not my favorite… alligators are not exactly a favorite! Sharks not a favorite now I will amend all of my unfavorites if they are minding their business imma mind mine too! Just saying! #bloganuary
By far, the biggest challenge is using my voice. Letting my voice be HEARD. I allow people to push, pull, tug, and yank on me. I was always afraid to disappoint or make someone ashamed of me. I was constantly seeking approval; I never stepped out of line. I have let my own mother rule my life in fear of disappointment, disapproval, etc. Except I brought her into MY HOME. So, a few details! My mom was living in a hoarder’s nightmare. Her living conditions were disgusting; there was crap (shit, to the layman) up the walls in the bathroom she would not clean. She had not cleaned. There were mouse poop pack rats who had infested her home, and by infested, I mean filth. I spent a week cleaning from five am to ten pm each night. I would cry myself to sleep at night. To say it was disgusting is a gross injustice to the words. I had paid for my brother’s funeral. My baby brother’s mom was as horrible to him as she was to me. She is just really great at hiding her shitty. Mom told me about their fights because she said he was “lazy.” I wonder if those words were the last in his mind as he lay dying. Mom worked in the Nursing field and didn’t make sure his wound was clean on his back. She didn’t ensure he ate halfway decent or even took his diabetes medicine. So my baby brother is now in a box. My mom is great at abusing the system massively. She had an empty peanut butter jar she kept cash in at her home to hide from the Medicaid “system” because she couldn’t have assets. When she got sick in August, I canceled trips I was aching to take and planning, and she would say NO TRIPS.
I pay for her cell phone and have had it for over a year and a half. I bought the phone. So when she started saying crap like, “I’m a great actress.” She even went so far AS TO HIT MY SON, AND she WAS MAD because he wouldn’t lie and say she didn’t hit HIM. WAKE UP LADY. THERE IS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE IN ADDITION TO THE PEOPLE PHYSICALLY IN THE ROOM WITNESSING THE EVENT after falling over and over, pooping on my floor and pooping on my floor! Again, security camera footage. TO BE clear, MOM is on MEDICAID, and I pay for everything for her. She pays for her little piddly crap at Walmart.
At one point, I kind of just started grieving, like WTF. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ANY OF THIS? WHY DID I LAND THE LITERAL TOILET BOWL MOM OF THE CENTURY? LAST YEAR SHE TOLD ME I WAS THE PRODUCT OF RAPE AFTER HITTING MY CHILD AND CONVINCED MY AUNT TO LIE WITH HER ABOUT IT. And why lie about it? Oh, and by the way, that’s all I got for my birthday. Well, she had to fabricate a lie because SHE found out I knew, and I confronted MY MOM about walking in on a marriage, so she had to make her story SPECIALK FOLKS because she found out I have my half-sister in my Facebook. Oh, and get this, the dear, sweet aunt who has been covering for Mom’s lies her entire life; well, she made up her own version of I went to a Moon family wedding event. Guess what, folks? Another LIE.
None of the Moons know about me because you stupid fuckers, the only family I knew was the Fowle family, and you want to what take SOME MORE. Mom, you are mentally SICK. AND YOU KNOW WHY ONLY MY BROTHER GREG, SISTER JENNIFER, AND SISTER MISTIE KNOW I EXIST? BECAUSE YOU LYING FUCKERS WERE HELLBENT ON TAKING THE ONLY FAMILY I EVER KNEW BECAUSE OF MY MOM, THE SWINGER, you want to hear the names of the swinger couples! And DRUGGIE MOM. Party Mom! Let’s not forget the two best parts of the story, Mom. Your dear, sweet Aunt Adella, the one you love so much, all about you and your padded cell time and loony bin!
Remember when you started pretending like you were coming out of it and all of that, and you told me about your terminal illness that you’ve been diagnosed with? I asked you what terminal illness it was, but you didn’t have a response. Most terminal illnesses don’t result in recovery! I remember being sent to my grandfathers because you couldn’t handle anything. It was all about the party. Remember, how was the “bad kid” who called you while you were at the bar because I wanted you to come home while I was probably all of seven years old babysitting my brother? You wanted to play pool with the guys so when you won, you could get blowjobs! You talk about how it was Robert who wanted to be a swinger. Sorry, don’t put all that on him. It was you like you slept with his best friend, Bud! Was that dad’s fault, too?!? #growthefuckup #adultproperly#bloganuary #hearme #momsthatsuck
Let me answer this carefully! Life over the past year and a half has been a struggle! I have my fiancée approximately 8000ish miles away! I want to be with him every single day! Every fucking day! I am the sole caregiver for my mom, who, in August, added AFib to an already massive list of health issues! COPD, diabetes, acute kidney failure 3b, asthma. We now have a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist, nephrologist, and, coming soon the vein specialist! Fun times! That sounds like play, right, fuck no! I am grateful for every moment with my mom! I am not thankful for her treating me like I’m a teenager again, and let’s be honest! She traveled, and she partied! (These are mild; I felt I needed to be a better child to her than she was mother!) Every day is …. A challenge! She has become paranoid, and that’s so freaking weird! She can be hateful on the turn of a dime. I brought her into my home, and most days, I feel trapped. I am still grateful for every moment, but my heart still hurts. I miss Umair, and I can’t begin to describe how I need him so badly. Mostly to wrap his arms around me and tell me this is just a moment and it’s ok. He tells me all of this on the phone, but there is a longing I can’t begin to describe! Umair loves and accepts the challenges of my mother and my daughter as his, and let’s be honest, how many people would stick around if they knew the additional he is carrying into his life? And he loves me. He loves me!! So, back up just a little, I am also the caregiver for a disabled child I adopted, who is cognitively about five years old. I don’t even know what I did to deserve Umair’s love, but I’m grateful, so grateful. So, the days with her are a blessing too. She loves far more than I can begin to express. She is tormented by what her birth parents did, too, and if I described the horror, you would never sleep again. So I’m waiting for that lottery win; even though I barely take time to brush my hair, wash my face, or brush my teeth, every day is spent giving all the energy I have. And it’s a new year, I am grateful! Anyone see my glass slipper laying around? Or my fairy Godmother. So yes, I play! I have fun! I celebrate too! I’m grateful for the burdens and the blessings! Most of my play is around my writing which is such a profound joy for me!! #bloganuary
The ones where you and I shared nine magical days and nights in the beginning of our journey! Unforgettable moments where you asked me to marry you and I said yes!
Listen closely, my darling, as I whisper the words softly into your ear. Thank you, my love, for another brilliant year
Loving you is easy
Needing you deeply,
want to feel you in my arms
Want to curl up on your chest
Feeling every touch as my husband plays with my curls
Soft and sweet sleep beckons to me
I hope these are the very last of 8 thousand-ish miles that keep us apart
Needing and wanting to feel the moments where you and I are together in “real,” and our clothes are beautifully scattered on the floor
You and I collide into the same space and time, and our bodies become intertwined in ecstasy
A husband and wife united in holy matrimony and who could possibly need more
I get the biggest of presents to have a second ceremony where you and I wed in front of family and friends
Wanting and aching to feel you near
to be together in the same country is a USCIS complex algorithm
And while they may take time, there is “nahi” denying what is undeniably real
Written by Lynn Marie for my muse, my husband Umair! For all the words before and all the words to come thank you for the symphony of words you inspire!
Forest of Words 